YOU CAN BREAK MY HEART INTO TWO

 Since I’ve published my third story/article, I’ve been meaning to write again but do I have what I want to write about? The answer is no.

While coming from Ibadan to Abeokuta this morning, I was listening to songs and this song by Selena Gomez came up “Back to you” and while listening to it I remembered my parents and how imperfect they’re so I’m going to write about it.

Imperfection! Left to me yeah, there’s nothing wrong I mean absolutely nothing wrong with being imperfect. Asides form the obvious fact that you’re not God, I think once you answer the title “human”, you’re already answering imperfection. You can never be perfect. I know many people are already thinking oh damn, this girl about to lash her parents outside  and stuff but that’s not the case.  In fact, I’m about to make you love yours more.

If you’ve read my very first story, you should have known that I started living with my father when I was 7 and I do not have a very deep relationship, though it’s quite alright but not really deep relationship with my mother.

Let’s start with my father. My father is both our father and our mother. I do not say my mothers are not significant but my father likes to play both roles. When I moved in with him, I felt special (I know you didn’t ask for this but I took a 48hrs break to think about if I’m going to publish this or not).

I was saying when I moved in with my father, it felt really special and he treats me like one. He doesn’t beat me and when others offends him, they always push to beg and once I do, there’s no more problem but not long after, I joined the gang. If I misbehave, I’ll collect then I began to think, what’s going on.

Not only did he start beating me, tongue lashing stared coming in and every-time he does, I missed my mum and I think about her. Do I want to go back to her? Hell yeah but did I? Hell no!. I started adjusting to the system but thoughts kept rolling in. My father will always apologize stylishly every-time he beats me or say something that hurts me, either with money or with gifts……………….it wasn’t an apology (lmao).

One day, I was writing my higher institution exam and someone had come to tell my dad to keep a close watch cause I’m too light skinned. I guess my father took it the wrong way and he told me that day, “can you show me your body cream”? He had concluded that I was bleaching and tongue lashing started coming in, that was when I knew he doesn’t apologize, he said “I’m doing all that cause your mother is not here”, I cried!

Like oh wow, so you don’t really mean all of that, i was deeply hurt and I didn’t stop crying. Let me quickly tell you something. Emotions are felt due to many reasons: it might be thoughts, feelings and behavioral responses but when you’re done feeling, try and reflect and ask the what ifs. What if they do not really mean it, what if they’re just hurt cause of some behavioral responses. 

My sister who just gained admission into the university had her share with our father. She will call me sometimes and say, I want to pack out. She will cry and you will feel the frustration in her voice but she didn’t stop loving our father.

My elder sister and our father too had their own. They are like cat and rat, they disagree a lot. He had once said he’s disowned her and two days later, things became all smooth again and she never stopped loving our father. Each and every one of us had our share of emotional heart break from our father but we were able to reflect and ask the what ifs….what if all of these came from a place of love. My father loves us so much and at any sight of going astray, he doesn’t take it slightly. The corrections we thought were too harsh (maybe they were) but it was from a place of love and our heart could break into two but when it heals, it continues to beat for him.

I was scrolling on Twitter somedays back (it just came to my mind) and I saw someone cursing his/her parents cause they abandoned him/her. The person’s feeling is very valid and I understand it must have been a tough time but did you remember I said I didn’t call my mum for a year and she didn’t call too? I was really mad at her but my anger doubled when I found out she re married without informing me. I saw the souvenir with a stranger. I was 13+ and yeah she had my brother  when I was 15.

I didn’t ask her anything but she informed  me when she had my brother. I was happy but was still very mad at her and I bottled it cause I had no courage to ask. I did asked though, 3 years ago and she told me that they intentionally didn’t want to say anything to me cause they thought I wouldn’t understand. And as for the not calling for a year, she said she wanted me to adapt fully and feel at home in my father’s house. All anger died. Sometimes, you don’t have to hate your parents cause judging by the way everyone says their parents traumatized them and just to read stories, all I could see is love but people are unable to think.

I am not disputing the fact that their are abusive parents who do not deserve to own a child and that’s like a different case entirely but I’m talking about the ones that hates their parents cause you feel they do too much discipline or they’re unable to clear the air about why they did something. Pain are supposed to be felt, emotions too but as you’re feeling, try and reflect. Do a lot of thinking to actually see if they deserve the hate you give or you should drop it and continue loving your parents.

It’s 1:21am here and my head wants to fall off my neck, I’m really sleepy. 

If you care to share your experience or maybe you want to talk about your parents, please send me a mail (adewunmiadeola43@gmail.com), some of you have my person number and you can send me a DM on Twitter @Balqeestalks. Let’s talk about it and I hope you find a place in your heart to forgive your parents.

YOU COULD BREAK MY HEART INTO TWO, BUT WHEN IT HEALS IT BEATS FOR YOU.