I’M SCARED I WILL MISS TOO MUCH

Hey there!

I know you are wondering what this is going to be about, maybe you already have an idea or maybe not, please keep reading.

I have a quick question for you though, what do you think love is? Do you think love is about pleasure, is it pain, is it sacrifice, is it selflessness, is it having to put other’s first even when it is not convenient? Is love an easy thing for you to do or do you find it really difficult?

You know, it makes my heart beats really fast when I hear people say “I love you” and the word love does not reflect in their actions? DO PEOPLE LOVE THESE DAYS? How do we really feel something deep in our heart yet it doesn’t show in our actions? When you tell people you love them, are you not scared you won’t be able to do what you’ve just said?

Hmm! Maybe I’m not the one who’s supposed to be writing about love cause all my life, I’ve only loved genuinely two times. Apart from the the love I have for my parents cause obviously they made me love them, I have only loved two people on my own without them asking for it and if you ask me to define love based on what I felt then, I’ll say LOVE IS PAIN. It was really painful but sometimes, we inflict the pain on ourselves.

How does it feel when you let your whole guard down: Do you agree that you can be someone who’s full of love, knows how it feels to be loved, knows how people wants to be loved and will never do it correctly? (Do you?) and what do you think is causing that? (Let me let you think about it before I answer it)………. are you done? Okay. The answer is PEOPLE DO NOT ALLOW YOU TO LOVE THEM. I want to talk about my encounter with this but today’s not the day for free publicity (I’m a little expensive now). Let’s continue!

How does it feel to unlearn some bad habits because of love: all my life, I used to think when I can’t use the statement are you mad” or “you’re stupid” jokingly for the people I genuinely love, it means we can’t roll and they’re too serious (they lied to me). The first time I tried it with my partner, he acted as if he didn’t hear. I was consistently saying it cause I wanted to feel at home. When it got to his nerves, he asked me “what did you just say” and I replied it “I said are you mad”. I already knew he didn’t like it. Gentleman softly said , I understand you might feel it’s a nice thing to say to the people you love but can you not use it for me, I do not appreciate it. Hmmmmmm!!!!!

What would you have done?…………………………………………

As for me, I just told him I thought it was a nice thing to say and I wanted to feel at home (I felt bad throughout the day) and I started thinking. Is this person too serious? Was it too extreme? Why can’t I say that he’s mad and after doing all the thinking, I made up my mind, let me respect what he won’t take. I won’t say it again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you can’t tell your partner they are mad if they condone it but the fact that something made you feel comfortable doesn’t mean they appreciate it. UNLEARN IT if they communicate it.

What about sacrifice: how does it feel to sacrifice? Let’s talk about this thing that happened on a Twitter space I was on. “I love my space so much and I can’t afford to see him everyday”, “i love to be alone so I’ll prefer a long distance relationship”. How does these sound? Do you feel the same way too? Well I have news for you.

To love is to sacrifice and one of the cheapest thing you’ll sacrifice is your space. Let’s leave partners out of it. When you have kids, do you still have a space? The answer is no. Did you stop liking your space, the answer is still no so what changed! Wanna know? SACRIFICE! You accept to give it up for love even when it’s not convenient for you and when you want it the most!

 Dear Reader, This is how I learnt about sacrifice.

I have bipolar disorder (A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs). Sometimes, I get sad for no reason, cry for no reason and i get overly excited when I’m not supposed to. When this disorder sets in, i love to be alone. All alone! How do you think I’m going to cope with me being in love with someone? (I hope you are sincerely answering my questions before moving forward). Not going to lie, it’s hard. 

First off, I don’t want to talk to them no matter how much they’re willing to talk if it’s it’s urgent (I just wan dey) and secondly, whatever they do begin to irritate me. When I met my partner, I didn’t tell him I had bipolar disorder cause I was scared he might run off (I cannot let this fine boy go now), I kept it to myself and I started learning how not to be totally selfish when it happens. I tried till I was totally comfortable with him. “Babe, I don’t wanna talk I have mood swing”, he will laugh and say (in his Ibadan accent) “nko olowo lo ma n shey iwo” (you have rich people’s ailment). Guys, I swear he didn’t mean it. He knew I was serious but he was looking for a way to relieve me.

Other times, I’ll pick his call looking and sounding very sad no matter how hard he tries to make me feel good until he could no longer handle it and he said “does my presence mean anything to you at all, I understand that you might be feeling sad but can you leave all that aside and feel at home once you see me, we can both sort it out”……jackpot!

 From that moment, I understood it doesn’t revolve around me alone. I know bipolar happens to me a lot and often but can we make this sacrifice for this one person and show him that he’s worth hiding the pains for? Can we put it all behind and let his presence actually lighten up my mood? Most of the time, it doesn’t work but I never stopped smiling once I pick his call and talking to him in a very calm and nice voice “hey my baby”. I had to sacrifice whatever I was going through to make him feel his presence lightens up my mood (even when it doesn’t) and to be there for him no matter how rough it is with me.  

What do you know about kindness: kindness does not mean you’re not allowed to get angry and show that you are, kindness is yes I am angry but have you had anything to eat? When you take kindness away from how you treat and talk to the people you love, then there’s no love because when you are kind, love will be easy. I strongly recommend you learn about kindness before learning about love. I had a conversation with a male friend sometimes last year and we were talking about how the people you love get on your nerves and he said, I might be boiling, extremely angry at the woman I love but it will never  make me for a second stop doing the things that I’ve been doing for her. If she doesn’t cook, I’ll go into the kitchen, cook and serve hers too. When we both are calm, we will talk about what made us angry and settle it.

I was scrolling on Twitter the other day and someone shared how she and her partner laid down rules on how not to raise voice no matter the level of anger and how to continue using kind words “babe, I am very angry”, “but sweetheart what you did was wrong” etc. These are the things that makes it really easy. Kindness even to other people when things are going extreme rough will help you know how to treat people and leave misunderstandings as just misunderstandings and not the end of the world.

When they say love is not enough, they do not really mean that “love” is not enough, it means the feeling of pleasure alone is not enough. There are other things that completes love aside from whatever you’re feeling. Does your feeling get along with the way you act towards them? Does every aspect of your life screams love? 

I understand that love can be painful but as I’ve said, we inflict the pain on ourselves. How about you love people properly and how about you start letting people love you properly. When real and “both sided” love happens, two people are involved, make sure you put the other person’s interest at heart because if you close your eyes for long, “I’M SCARED YOU WILL MISS TOO MUCH”. And for the people that made this love thing look like it’s magic, we see nobody but you and this one is for all of you!

There’s a song by Justin Beiber called 2 Much, I took my title from it and I’m listening to it at the moment. What song are you listening to, my love?

(Don't wanna close my eyes, I'm scared I'll miss too much
Don't wanna fall asleep, I'd rather fall in love
When I can't feel you, I feel out of touch
Two seconds without you's like two months and that’s too much).